


if you leave

by tokiwas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Shiratorizawa, a lot of parallels, a lot of unrelated imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokiwas/pseuds/tokiwas
Summary: the successors to the end of an era.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kawanishi Taichi & Tendou Satori, Semi Eita & Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a short little series about shiratorizawa and opposites. all of them can be seen as romantic or platonic, whichever you prefer
> 
> there are implied post-spring high spoilers in this fic, so if you're wary of spoilers, do proceed with caution!
> 
> title taken from the album of the same name by daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he inherits the crown, but cannot live up to its glory

The final set shoots by like a hurricane.

It is a rush of adrenaline – of desperation, to prove themselves, to make up for the disappointment of the prior year, to make up for the pain of the previous tournament. Spike, receive, block. Rinse and repeat.

A powerful opponent in their midst, and yet, Shiratorizawa will never falter.

One more point to a deuce. The receive is impeccable. Shirabu tosses, ball up in the air – a toss Goshiki could call perfect.

_It’s fine. As long as he has one tall toss, he’ll be fine._

But when he leaps, and brings his palm down against the ball, there is the sound of a smack against an unrelenting wall, and no – one tall toss is not enough. The team can’t get to it in time, memories of last year and memories of months ago flickering through his eyes.

Shiratorizawa Academy does not go to Nationals – again.

**

The third years do not cry.

They rouse the team with exhausted expressions, bringing the team to the stands to thank their supporters. The second years are teary-eyed, and the first years weep, reminiscent of Goshiki a year ago.

Goshiki himself is speechless, too shocked for tears. His heart is pounding loudly, but his eyes remain dry.

But as they bow to their fans, he notices, above the huge banner – Reon with his motherly expression, Tendou with softer eyes. Yamagata, with his caring smile, Semi, with his concerned frown.

Ushijima Wakatoshi, ever stoic and unmoving.

They had been watched over by their predecessors, all for it to amount to nothing.

This is when Goshiki Tsutomu starts to cry.

**

Goshiki Tsutomu and Ushijima Wakatoshi are fundamentally different.

He had learnt this in his first year, when he had competed against Ushijima with regards to everything. But after a mishap and a pep talk, he learnt to find new ways to succeed Ushijima as the ace, embracing their differences and treasuring his own strength.

But despite their differences, Goshiki still had his eyes on Ushijima’s position – the great, undefeatable ace.

A year ago, Ushijima had granted Goshiki that title – the position of the great ace. It was for Goshiki himself to make sure he would be undefeated.

(And yet, he was defeated.)

**

Despite having grown the past year, Goshiki still cries a lot in comparison to the others, and he heads to the bathroom to wash his face, before they head on the bus back home.

On his way back to the team, he bumps into Ushijima Wakatoshi in the corridor.

The timing and location is immaculate – as if a spectacular showdown had taken place at this very position before.

But here, there is no conflict. There are no declarations of war or resolve. Instead, Goshiki Tsutomu breaks down in tears again, apologising over and over.

Ushijima does not move. He does not speak. He simply waits and watches, as Goshiki weeps out his frustration, his grief.

When Ushijima had lost, he didn’t even shed a tear. But here Goshiki is, crying his heart out.

Perhaps they are always destined to be different.

He had always wanted to surpass Ushijima. He had worked hard, made a fool of himself, done everything, everything just to surpass his strongest rival. Even today, before the game, there was a selfish part of Goshiki that had thought – if he could make it past this team and head to Nationals, he could prove himself to be stronger than Ushijima.

(He wanted to say “I’m stronger than you.” Childish as it may be, he still longed to say it.)

But more than anything, there were words once spoken by his greatest rival a year ago, entrusting the position of “Ace” to Goshiki Tsutomu. There was responsibility and respect and clinging onto that “I’m counting on you” that Ushijima had gave him – a stronger resolve than the multiple criticisms he could have pointed out on that day.

Above all rivalry and competition, there was that feeling of failure that festered in his heart – that feeling that he had let Ushijima down.

And so, he weeps.

**

When his tears finally dry, Goshiki lifts his head, and Ushijima is still there, staring at him.

“Shiratorizawa is strong,” the Great Ace finally says. “They were strong today, and they will be strong tomorrow, too.”

Without explaining what that means, Ushijima turns, and walks away.

After days and months of trying to figure his rival out, Goshiki thinks that he finally understands Ushijima’s manner of speech.

No matter what losses they will face, Shiratorizawa is strong. They will build themselves up, again and again, until they reach victory.

_It is a fertile land. It will always bear fruit._

Ushijima knows this, and has faith in this. Ushijima has faith in Goshiki Tsutomu, too. He will trust Goshiki, over and over again. The Ace will find a way, no matter what, and lead their team to victory.

And so Goshiki Tsutomu will try again, with his sharp straights and sharp crosses. He will try again, and again, and again, until he gets it right. Ushijima had bestowed this responsibility upon him, after all.

_“I’m counting on you.”_

There is still next year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goshiki.. furudate said sike.
> 
> ANYWAY i wanted to parallel goshiki and ushijima's interaction with ushijima's encounters with other rivals. there are differences between rivals!
> 
> the next chapter is about middle blockers!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they are wild beasts at the end of paradise

Tendou Satori is a carnivore.

He leaps by instinct, sniffing out his prey, and devouring them whole.

Sometimes, the prey escapes. But other times, Tendou overwhelms them, and tears them apart.

There is no calculation or logic behind a lion that runs after a gazelle. There is only the overwhelming desire to sink their teeth in, to taste blood.

Kawanishi Taichi does not care for devouring prey or simply stopping them in its tracks. He does not gain satisfaction from blood on his lips and claws buried into flesh. All he cares for is the sight of the ball falling over the other side of the net, and he will use whatever method it takes to achieve that.

Some may call that more dangerous than a carnivore. Kawanishi does not care.

**

What Kawanishi cares for is to win, and nothing else.

But he isn’t granted that beautiful satisfaction.

Throughout the match, he uses his brains, figuring the other side out. When all else fails, he relies on instinct alone, driven by the desire to win, to devour his prey. But even if omnivores can rely on two different food sources, they may still go hungry.

At the end of the five sets, the blood on the floor belongs to Shiratorizawa alone.

**

They bow to their supporters in the stands, and Kawanishi Taichi sees him – the red-eyed beast that once drew blood within these four walls, staring straight at him.

What were those words he had once heard in the face of defeat, again?

_“Farewell, my paradise.”_

**

As Kawanishi waits for the juniors to get on the bus, there is a rustle behind him, and he turns to face his senior, claws and teeth given up a year ago. Tendou Satori only plays volleyball with fangs between his lips – asking him to play with anything less is worse than not playing at all.

“I didn’t know you could be so bloodthirsty.”

There is no teasing behind Tendou’s tone. He had seen, hadn’t he? The impulse that had driven Kawanishi to move, to sniff out his prey. They had all been desperate for that victory.

_Had._

Kawanishi looks at Tendou with a straight face, and answers.

“I guess I just really wanted to win.”

There is no snide remark after that, and no mischevious laughter. Instead, Tendou Satori watches him carefully, a glint in his eyes, and asks him what he will do after high school.

It is obvious. Kawanishi will go to university, and quit competitive volleyball.

For once, Tendou seems surprised. He cocks his head, and asks Kawanishi why he no longer wishes to play.

Kawanishi has had his fill. From middle school, he fought with tooth and nail and logic to get Shiratorizawa high into the sky. He has tasted equal amounts of joy and loss.

He is satisfied.

Because it is only in Shiratorizawa that the omnivore is allowed to play amongst the monsters. Should he choose to climb further, he will no longer be allowed to feast. He is happy to play amongst his friends from now on, without the frenzied desire to reach victory.

Upon hearing his words, Tendou Satori lifts his lips up into a smile less than cynical, and says:

“Perhaps we are more alike than we think.”

For Tendou Satori, the space between the courts was once his paradise. He had thrived and feasted and tore many herbivores apart. It is only there, within the confines of his purple-and-white uniform, that he was allowed to bare his fangs.

To Kawanishi Taichi, it is different.

Shiratorizawa isn’t a paradise. It is full of hard work, and pain, and defeat. But Shiratorizawa is also a wonderful place to be.

Not paradise, but pretty damn close.

Tendou Satori goes up to him, and pats him on the back before leaving. Here is another contradiction. The ruthless beast had always understood and cared for the other members in his pack. Within Shiratorizawa, one of the greatest parts of the so-called paradise had always been a team that supported each other.

_Had._

**

Kawanishi climbs on the bus, and takes a seat next to Shirabu. He leans back against his seat, and closes his eyes. There is an ache in his chest blooming alike a red spider lily.

This is also what he shares in common with Tendou Satori. They had bid farewell, and claimed they were satisfied, but in fact, there still existed a burning deep within them – the endless frustration that they could have at least played one game further. Tendou Satori may have smiled his way throughout defeat, but Kawanishi Taichi had always known that Tendou longed to continue being in that beautiful paradise, just for a bit longer.

Kawanishi Taichi knows this, because he longs for this himself, more than anything else.

But here is where the omnivore is weaker than the carnivore. At the back of the bus, leaving that almost-paradise behind, Kawanishi Taichi presses his fists against his eyes, and allows his tears to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of the hanakotoba for the red spider lily is "the last place you said goodbye (to someone)."
> 
> also this is rather unrelated but im an avid defender of tanji-kun mainly because he allowed tendou to roam around freely in his paradise. like no other powerhouse school would ever allow a volatile, unpredictable player to jump around just because it "feels good". coach washijou put a lot of faith in tendou and i will always be grateful for that! 
> 
> the last chapter is about setters, the biggest opposites!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is the point of growing out wings, when your feet will never leave the ground

If strength and flair came in the form of wings, Shirabu Kenjirou had torn off whatever feathers that sprouted from his back just to let Ushijima Wakatoshi fly.

From the moment he had saw Ushijima spike down a toss with frightening power, he knew that he had no need for his own wings. He didn’t need to fly. He would give his own wings to Ushijima Wakatoshi, let him soar through the air, not allowing anyone to catch up.

He had even trapped the wings of another, only allowing Semi Eita to fly when he leaped through the air for a jump serve, all just to be Ushijima’s wings.

If given the chance to do it all over again, Shirabu would rip the wings off his back, and trap Semi Eita in a cage once more, without a second thought.

But it was inevitable. Ushijima would have always returned Shirabu those feathers. It was Shirabu who had been so desperate to let Ushijima fly, that he had forgotten how to fly on his own.

**

The third years are spared punishment.

They sit on the bus. They’re exempted from the hundred receives. Umeda passes on his captaincy. Shirabu’s final year in high school volleyball ends, not with a bang, but with less than a whimper.

Perhaps Coach had known, too. Shiratorizawa no longer has the cannon that they could use to plow through any defence. Coach had known the limits of the team he had, and he had different expectations. It is a year of transition, and the current team is simply the starting point for the school to find their new footing.

But even so, the prototype team was hopeful to overcome their defeat from the year before, to redeem themselves from shame.

It doesn’t matter. They still lost, in the end.

**

In the late evening, Shirabu does a hundred serves in the empty gym.

Perhaps, it is a futile attempt to make him feel connected to Ushijima. For another defeat, he will bear upon himself the same punishment.

There is no one to receive. There is only the sound of a ball hitting a plastic bottle on the floor.

As Shirabu continues his serves, he thinks back to the game. Without Ushijima, he had no choice but to come out of his shell. His final tosses to Goshiki were something he would have never thought of doing back when he had first stood at the entrance of the school. With nothing to lose, there had been a burning desire. _Shut the fuck up, our side is stronger._

_(Shut the fuck up. Look at me.)_

He doesn’t think he can ever replicate that again. And frustratingly, he never will.

Up in the air, the ball flies, and Shirabu hits it with the palm of his hand, again and again. _Ninety, ninety one_. His last year in middle school and Ushijima Wakatoshi spreads his wings, high into the sky. _Ninety two, ninety three_. He is in his first year and ready to disappear into the shadows. _Ninety four, ninety five._ Semi Eita stares at his shoes as Coach Washijou calls Shirabu’s name. _Ninety six, ninety seven._ He tosses weakly to Ushijima and the spike is blocked down. _Ninety eight._ Goshiki hits his toss, and Shirabu remembers what it means to have wings. _Ninety nine._

There is a memory of long ago. Shirabu is in his first year, and watches Semi Eita send a toss, all strength and power and desire to shine. How different they are. How different they will always be. An eagle and a shadow.

The ball hits the floor for the last time, and Shirabu inhales.

When Semi Eita had spread his wings, Shiratorizawa went to Nationals. When Shirabu Kenjirou had tried to be an eagle, he was shot down to the earth in a matter of seconds. How different they are. How different they will always be.

With or without wings, Shirabu was never destined to fly.

**

Shirabu Kenjirou leaves the remnants of white feathers behind for the last time as he locks up the gym, and heads back to his dormitory room.

Not with a bang, less than a whimper.

Perhaps, for the boy who had torn off his own wings, it is a fitting end to high school volleyball.

Later that night, there is a phone call, and Shirabu cries into his hands as Semi Eita speaks to him in beautiful words, like “you were amazing” and “lift up your head proudly” and “it’s alright, it’s alright, you’re alright.”

Ushijima Wakatoshi will fly high in the sky, with or without someone else’s feathers. Shirabu Kenjirou will leave nameless despite his efforts, with no trophies in the cabinet, no scouts asking for his name. But even so, the scars on his back had carried meaning. _It wasn’t all for nothing, you made Wakatoshi look incredible, didn’t you? Tsutomu shined because of you too. It’s alright, it’s alright, you’re alright._

This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but in the dark of a dormitory room, listening to a whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you cant have a team called shiratorizawa and not have imagery about wings!!!
> 
> also i would happily write chapters about parallels between yamagata and reon and their successors, but unfortunately we do not know who they are. sad!
> 
> i really enjoyed writing about parallels and beasts and birds, i hope you enjoyed it too!


End file.
